Being in Stockton is starting to grate on me. Not that I have anything against the town or its people per se. I just feel stagnant now. I’m out of Santa Cruz and yet New York still seems far away. Part of the problem I guess is not having an exact place to stay in New York. That is I do but I have no idea what I will do when I get there.
So far leaving my job just makes me feel like I’m on an extended vacation. Perhaps when I get to New York things will settle with me and I’ll get off my ass and look for work. I’m kinda regretting putting things off for this long and since being in Stockton I just feel like my time is compacted — like I haven’t had a break since.
I guess this town really isn’t the best place to seek perspective anyway. That point was hammered in at a viewing of an Inconvient Truth recently. It was my second time seeing it and I guess my distance from Santa Cruz, culturally not physically, has left me with a kind of emptiness. It wasn’t the movie — but the audience — I just had this sinking feeling like it wouldn’t go over well with that crowd. I think it did in all actuality but at the same time the conservative, undereducated air of this town is unsettling. That makes me sound like a snob but its the kind of contempt only one who has grown up in a place like Stockton can feel.
At the same time things are mellower for me in relation to this town. I no longer feel like a citizen. My frustration and discontent are coming more from a sense of place-less-ness. That is the place-less-ness of me being homeless and the natural lack of place this town exists in.
Still I’ve had fun the past couple days. My mom and I went on day trips to San Francisco and San Jose. I know the bay area so well. It is my home and yet I’m leaving. I have to keep to my conviction that I know New York is the right place for me and just trust my instincts and skills to get me through the next couple weeks.